300 couples a year
1000 babies since 2002 following personalized support
5'000 couples since 2002
5'000 couples since 2002
“To be in order to have”
The repetitive consultations become a routine and the successive failures unbearable to the patients AND to the therapist defeated with his knowledge and lack of philosophy or tools to deal with it. This often turns into a second pathology, this time around the mind, a disease that will affect the ego that refuses the real ... and yet in the present moment everything becomes possible when we are two living together at the level of the being.
When the desire for a child cannot be achieved ... It is the entry into the abyssal world of "there is no" ... Nothingness ... one of the pillars of the desire for a child ... It is a real break between fantasy and reality, between volition and capacity, between infinity and finitude ... It is when it is impossible to procreate despite having recourse to ART treatments it is for the couple an extremely painful ordeal leading to utmost stress as well as that of the loss of a loved one, a questioning of the identity associated with feelings of guilt towards the healthy partner, as when the man is infertile and a questioning of his virility. It is a real crisis that brings the question, the meaning of life as a couple but also the bond with family and friends.
But often behind the ambivalence there is suffering, conscious or not, with a mother who is too busy and who must be taken care of like a child which prevents her from having her own child or conversely a mother who is too present who prevents her daughter from becoming a mother in her turn by keeping her in her role as a daughter (these are often mothers who do not want to age and who refuse the idea of becoming a grandmother in their turn). Finally, we could say that the desire for a child that is part of the domain of fantasy still retains many secret motivations and explanations that will certainly develop in the future and still surprise us.
There is also the will to perpetuate oneself with certainly also a notion around the search for the well-being of being pregnant and of living this unique experience for women living this fusion with their pregnancy. There is also educationally the little girl who is taught that she too will have children. It is thus the birth of a need to be recognized by society, by one's family. The desire for a child certainly also takes its roots in the desire for the phallus that psychoanalysts have described well, the desire for all power or for narcissistic wounding which will make her invest her child to repair what she did not have ... the fusional desire to be loved unconditionally ... to have a child with your mother ... the desire to be a mother, the pleasure of giving love, of receiving it, of creating a family ... and then there is often this ambivalence which is natural and that women should tame without guilt. I tell my patients to reassure them that ambivalence is based on freedom, without freedom there is no ambivalence.
Like any desire, the desire for a child is of a complex instinctual nature but also social, which always makes it unique, as we can see in the clinic. It often starts with the decision to stop contraception and ask the question, is this the right time? When we ask him why? Most often the underlying component is irrational, it comes from the gut probably linked to the biological instinct of reproduction and then below we find the sometimes inglorious patterns more or less conscious and accepted as 'c' is for our eldest daughter or it is to please my spouse who has a business and who would like a succession or to be like my sister ”.
At the biological level, the desire for a child is linked on the one hand to a sexual drive which prompts sexual intercourse and on the other hand to the specific physiology of the woman which allows her to be pregnant, to have a child. Historically, women in childbearing fulfill a birth duty that a group or nation must maintain if it does not want to fade out. It was not until the mid-twentieth century that women entered the labor market which allowed them to make a choice: rather than going to work, she made the conscious choice to have a child, this was the beginning of the concept of desiring a child... and there is contraception in the years 1964 which allows them to control their capacity to have a child. It's the "a child if I want when I want;" feminists at the commencement of the emancipation of women resulting in the termination of pregnancy gradually being legalized in all countries.
Furthermore, the desire for a child is not binary, a yes or a no, as it is generally perceived, nor constant over time, evolving day after day according to the experiences, events and encounters in our life. It is rather of a complex biolo-psychosociocultural and religious nature drawing its roots in domains as different as the biological and the psychological with a collective unconscious, society and culture, family education, experience throughout our childhood, with our father and mother, the words pronounced as a sentence, all these facets being all linked to each other and different depending to each person. The desire for a child, like all desires, is unique.
The desire for a child is certainly the impetus of this creative impulse described by Minkowski in "Towards a Cosmology", which has allowed the emergence of genius throughout history, something along the universal human. This creative impulse like the desire for a child could arise from a deep conflict of which every human is aware: That of being a finite individual limited by a carcass in a cosmic atmosphere with the scent of infinity from which sadness or nostalgia to be separated and from which the creative impetus proceeds… The desire for a child could also arise from this anthropo-cosmic conflict and go far beyond the reason that very often the man or the woman does not really know why she/he is holding such a desire deep inside.